zeeshan..

i have been thinking about writing about zeeshan for quite some time now but i just havent been able to gather up enough courage to put it down in words. actually, im not even sure if i would be able to...ever!

well, its almost gonna be a year on december 20th. he died in a car accident and they say it was not his fault. i had known him ALLL my life!!! god, soo many memories with him.

6th grade: got to know him for the first time in 6th grade thru a friend (haris). apparently he wanted to ask me out and back then i HATED guys. well, i mean most 6th grade girls hate guys anyways:P it obviously came to me as a shock since he was the first guy ever who wanted to be my 'boyfriend'! i remember walking with him to the bus and being all pathetically shy and not being able to tell him that i was 'so-not-interested'. that was it. didnt talk to him for the rest of the school year
7th grade: we took urdu together but we always managed to sit at opposite ends of the class and tried our best never to make eye contact. but one day out urdu teacher made us sit together and he couldnt resist cheating off me on the test:P hehehe, that sort of got us started talking again but we still had that awkward thing between us.
8th grade: we got reallllyyy close since he was dating my best friend and i was dating his. i remember those times the 4 of us would hang out together and skip classes and all. FUN! everytime id be upset id always go to him and he would figure stuff out for me. he was SUCHH a jaaaan (sweetheart, i guess?)

after 8th grade, he left saudi and went to pakistan and i left for states. we would talk once in a while and it would be just SOOO much fun. he would flirt around, crack stupid jokes, tell me im the most pathetic girl hes ever met and yet make me feel SOO special, talk about old days, bitch about our ex-es:P, and a whole lot more. then, one summer when i went to pakistan we got REALLLLYY close. id talk to him every single day for hours! and every day he would say "sarah, just admit it! no ones gonna marry you and i know ill end up marrying you" and id tell him, "id rather die than marry you" hehe. he was SUCH a flirt but thats exactly what i loved about him! everything was soo much fun with him! anyways, i came back to saudi in august and he was getting ready to go to canada in january. we would talk every once in a while, and hed be the same stupid person he was:)

the last time i talked to him was a couple days before he died(sunday, 18th december 2005). he was telling me how hes gonna be in dubai for new years and i should go there so we could party together. told him that wasnt possible since i doubt id get permission to go to dubai for new years:P hehe, so he made me promise that if he could come to bahrain, id take a day out for him and i agreed.

the friday after that, 23rd december 2005, i was online and this friend told me how she heard on orkut that zeeshan has passed away in a car accident. i was SOOOOO MAD at her. told her NOT TO GO THE F*** AROUND TELLING ME MY FRIENDS DEAD! i was sooo upset, went offline and was gonna call him to make sure he was okay. i told myself that its stupid, i KNOW hes fine and i dont need to call to make sure. so, i just left it there and went to eat. i couldnt stop thinking about what that girl told me and WHY would she tell me something like that. but then, i knew he was FINE! he wasnt about to leave us!!! but it kept bothering me, i HAD to call him and talk to him once before i jumped to conclusions.

all i had to hear was his brother answer his phone for him, and i was a wreck! i burst out crying, couldnt even talk to his brother (which i probably should have since he was in the worst place) i dont even remember how long i cried for! at that time i knew i could only talk to one perosn who would understand EXACTLY how i feel and that was abeer! (thanks hun *HUG*) called her up and we both just cried on the phone for 15 mins. for some reason it made both of us feel better. but it wasnt over. i couldnt stop thinking about it! the stupidest thing would make me cry. if someone told me i was pathetic, i would cry just cuz it would remind me of him. i couldnt even go to the vending machines since they would have a drink named 'shani' (his nickname). it was SOOO hard. id look at my phonebook in my cell and know that hes never gonna call me again or hes never gonna sms. i knew that a lil window in my msn wont ever say "shani has signed in" i knew i would never hear his AWESOME australian accent EVER. it was just reallly hard.

ever since december started, i couldnt help but think its almost gonna be a year! i wont say i have thought about him every single day of the year, but i have thought about him ALOT! there was sooo much that would remind me of him. everytime i pray for my nana (mom's dad) and my phopho (dad's sister) who have also passed away, i pray for zeeshan. everyday before aftaar this whole ramadan, i would pray for him. whenever id get the chance, id pray extra 'nafil' for him. only cuz i know he needs it:( lets just hope he rests in peace now. may Allah give him the best there.

zeeshan-you know i loooove you! and you cant even imagine how much i f-ing miss you!

this isnt even half of what i feel and im not great writer to put it in excellent words. just tried to make myself feel better. and like i say, a part of me has died with him whereas i try to keep a part of him alive with me.

i prolly dont make sense, so just ignore this.